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Fruit: Proof That God Exists

 

Christians, fueled by the fear of looking stupid by believing in silly things, often concoct laughable and faulty theories to prove the existence of their god.  One of the most laughable of these theories points to the form of the banana.  (No, I'm not kidding.)  Yes, people.  Fruit.  Before I rip the lunacy of this argument to shreds, let's first review the insanity of it all.

 

Remember washed-up actor Kirk Cameron, star of ABC's Growing Pains (1985-1992)?  Well, while ABC couldn't save his terminally bad but strangely successful acting career, Jesus, apparently, saved Kirk's soul from an eternity in hell.   Anyway, while channel surfing one night, I stumbled upon an evangelical Christian talk show hosted by none other than Kirk Cameron himself.

 

How desperate can a person be to win a soul over for Christ?  Well, Kirk and his evangelical TV side-kick, Ray Comfort, were pretty damn desperate.  Being so deluded and desperate to see what he wanted to see, Ray sat there, looked straight into the camera, held up a banana, and with the straightest face imaginable, I kid you not, made the following utterly ridiculous argument [paraphrased]:

 

The Banana: The Atheist's Nightmare

 

The banana...

gb banana.jpg

  1. is perfectly shaped for the human hand.
  2. has a non-slip surface.
  3. has outward indicators of inward content.  Green lets you know that it's not ready to eat yet.  Yellow lets you know that it's just right to consume.  Black lets you know that it's far too late to put it in your belly.
  4. has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
  5. has a perforated wrapper for easy peeling.
  6. has a bio-degradable wrapper.
  7. is perfectly shaped for the human mouth.
  8. has a point at its top for ease of entry.
  9. is pleasing to the taste buds.
  10. is curved towards the face to make the eating process easy.

 

To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.

 

Note: The actual wording of this argument and the picture of the banana (above) was taken from an evangelical Christian website, but Ray's fundamental argument was substantially the same--except for his choice of words.

 

Well now you have it, my friends.  Absolute, concrete proof that god exists!  And wouldn't you know it, it just happens to be the Christian god.  Whew.  I was getting nervous that the Hindus could be right.  But after thousands of years of debate by the greatest minds in history, who would have thought the proof of god's existence could be found in fresh fruit?

 

It was quite a spectacle, folks.  Ray demonstrated how the two ridges between the thumb and index finger are identical to (and line up perfectly with) the ridges on inside edge of a half-peeled banana.  How can we possibly deny the perfect harmony between all things that god created?

 

Thoroughly consistent with evangelical Christians seeing only what they want to see, Ray never mentioned coconuts, watermelons, and pineapples, just to name a few, and how their apparent "design" [long pause for comic effect] isn't efficient--just like the banana.  In fact, the "design" of these three fruits is downright awful, awkward, messy, and wholly inefficient for human consumption.  But let's just sweep that under the rug--just like every other argument that scares the crap out of evangelicals.  LA-LA-LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

 

gb kirk turned off.jpgAll the while Kirk sat there chuckling as if shocked that seemingly intelligent people could not see this rather obvious and perfect example of god's design.  Aw hell.  I probably shouldn't be that hard on the easily-fooled fellow.  Sure, he's completely delusional--but he did nail Chelsea Nobel.  I suppose I should at least give him credit for that.  Besides, nothing eases profound stupidity faster that a hot piece of Christian ass.  Here's a picture of Kirk showing what must be turned off in order to think like a Christian.

 

Okay, people.  It's time to awake from the aforementioned state of mental inactivity and employ a little common sense, shall we?  But first, a disclaimer...

 

Those with delicate sensitivities and an appalling lack of sense of humor are cautioned NOT to read the rest of this essay.  I chose an admittedly base, sophomoric, and bawdy counter-argument for two reasons.  First, it demonstrates the silliness of the notion that fruit could be used to prove the existence of a higher power.  And second, it's funny as hell.  Okay, now it's time to get down and dirty.

 

The Banana: The Christian's Nightmare

 

We all know that sex is as pleasurable as it is functional.  Our species wants to live on, and procreation (through the act of sex) accomplishes that goal.  But as we also all know, sex feels good--and we do it more often for pleasure than for procreation.  And while it takes two to tango, it only takes one to feel good sexually.  Of course, it's not nearly as fun going solo, but it certainly does do the trick.

 

Modern technology and advances in the manufacture of synthetics and small battery operated vibrating devices have given women in need of "something special" all sorts of wonderful sex toys to do the job when no man is available.  Ask any woman over the age of 30 (who isn't shy or a prude) and you'll hear a testament to the merits of dildos and vibrators.

 

But the technology that has given women these toys of pleasure has not always existed.  What did women do before the advent of these modern sexual conveniences?  What did Eve, Ruth, Ester, and all their biblical sisters do back then?

 

God gave women sex organs through which sexual pleasure may be derived.  If we were designed, as Christians argue, then god certainly wanted women to have pleasure because he gave them all the parts that provide it.  And as god is all-knowing, he certainly knew long before each one of us were even born, that there would often be times throughout our lives where those strong sexual urges would drive us mad because we had no available partner to take care of business.

 

So being the all-knowing, all-powerful, kind, and loving god that our designer and creator is, he gave women the banana.  And anyone with only an ounce of common sense and even the most clouded power of perception can see the brilliance of god's perfect design of this particular fruit.

 

The banana...

 

  1. is perfectly shaped to fit the human hand.
  2. has a point at its top for ease of entry.
  3. is curved towards the vagina to make the penetration process easy.
  4. has a tab at the bottom to hold and control the motion of the banana when completely inserted.
  5. just like the human penis, it is perfectly shaped for the human vagina.
  6. if held so that its curve is pointed upward after insertion, it hits the G-Spot perfectly!
  7. has a soft wrapper so that the delicate lining of the vagina isn't scraped.
  8. has a non-slip surface so that you won't lose control of the device while enjoying the ride.  (Women, how much do you like it when your man's penis keeps slipping out?)
  9. has outward indicators of inward content.  Green bananas are the hardest, which women seem to prefer, and are required to attain the best penetration.  Yellow lets you know that it's getting softer and may not be useful for much longer.  Black lets you know that it's a far too late to be put in your vagina.  (How many women want a limp, mushy penis anyway?)  Keep in mind that these color codes also indicate if the banana is suitable for eating.  Just like a vigorous weight training workout, overuse of the banana for sexual gratification will deplete the body of energy, as well as cause muscle cramps.  Ever get a leg (or other body part) cramp during or after sex?  You sweat, lose body fluids, and get dehydrated.  Ask anyone with knowledge of human physiology and nutrition and you'll learn quickly that the banana is the perfect recovery food!
  10. has a protective covering to prevent vaginal matter (or fecal matter, in the case of god's homosexual children) from spoiling the fruit inside.
  11. has a tab at the bottom to facilitate removal of its wrapper.
  12. is perforated on its wrapper for easy peeling.
  13. has a bio-degradable wrapper for post-coital disposal.
  14. is pleasing to taste buds as well as the vagina.
  15. has a high potassium content, which quickly alleviates muscle cramps.
  16. has a high caloric and carbohydrate content to refuel the body after sexual exertion.

 

To say that the banana's perfect design for sexual gratification just happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can.

 

On a final note, as for the design of the Coca Cola can, [everyone say it with me...] "A-DUH!"  The Coca Cola can was designed?  Really?  Wow!  I never knew that.  Silly me, I should have known.  After all, the designer and manufacturer's name is printed right on the can!  I don't know how I could have missed that one.  I mean, it's so obvious.  There's even an address and phone number right there in plain sight.  Too bad god didn't do the same with bananas.  That would make Ray's silly argument hold at least some water.  But, alas, it will have to remain just that: a silly argument.  Sorry, but neither bananas nor humans bear any label, name, logo, trademark, or copyright like that silly and weak Coke can analogy.  There's not one shred of proof indicating who or what designed us--if we were even designed at all.  Maybe the Hindu god who created the human race just forgot to label us.  Perhaps it was the alien overlords who brought us here eons ago who made that particular mistake.  Beats me.  And it beats you, too.

 

Nice try, Ray.  Thanks for playing our game.

 

Click here to watch the actual show that featured the aforementioned "nightmare."  It's about 28 minutes long and well worth your time.  Trust me, you won't believe this spectacle of delusion.  It's a textbook example of how people see what they want [read: need] so desperately to see. [END]